To start, I think it is important that I tell you, those who do not know, I have a closed adoption. I am writing from a place of hopeful assumptions and prayerful longings.
I placed my child for adoption to give her a different, prayerfully better, life than the one I was suffering through. My daughter deserved better than what my circumstances and capabilities were at the time of my choice. What has helped me in coping with my choice of adoption is believing that my daughter wants the same things for me that I want for her. This may not be true for her--again this is all a hopeful assumption and not something I can ask her opinion on as I, unfortunately, do not have access to her beautiful mind and how she thinks and feels, nor her me. But, I do not ever have to know her truth (though I hope I do someday) to use this mind-set as a coping tool.
I want my child to be happy and financially, spiritually, relationally, emotionally, physically, and mentally well. All the reasons I placed her, I work on for myself in hopes that someday she can see that I didn't give up on working on doing and being better than I had, better than I was. That I worked hard for her and for myself to be happy and as whole as I could be.
This may not be everyone's outlook and that is certainly honored here. This is just what has helped me. To know that if I ever get the honor, the privilege, and precious gift of meeting my daughter again that she will have a natural mother who invested in her own care to be healthy and happy. And honestly, if she is hurt and angry with me over my choice of adoption, my whole-health-self-care will allow me to hear her pain without judgment, honor it, and be the best support she deserves. I think we birthmothers in closed adoption have a fantasy of reunion. That it will be an instant click between natural family members. But I have had the honor of women who have gone before me pour into me. To walk into the next chapter of life, the magic number 18-years-old with eyes wide open that it may not be an easy, amazing relationship, it may not even happen at all.
My daughter may not want to meet me and I need to honor that. She may want to meet me once, just to see who I am and want nothing else to do with me and I need to honor that. She may not want to meet me until she is many years beyond her legal ability to meet me and I need to honor that. No matter if reunion happens or not, I find peace in knowing if my daughter ever wants to know me, even from afar, even without my knowledge, she will see a woman who was and is intentional with her healing throughout the years both for her and for myself. .
My beloved child, if you happen to find this please know that I am happy, I am loved well, married to a man that honors your name and my love for you, and I have and still am working with great intentionality to be healthy in all aspects of my self for myself and for you. No matter how you choose to do your life, with me in it or not, I honor that choice and know that my health is not contingent on you reaching out. So, feel no guilt in a choice that leads you to not know me, but know that I am able to hold space for you and however you feel in any capacity you are willing to share.